If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
