I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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