I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
