my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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