i love accidental penises.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Im part way to drunk.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
