I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
