Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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