Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
