i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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