I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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