I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
