I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
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