I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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