god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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