My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
