some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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