Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
