it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
