Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
