it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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