You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
