My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
