Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
high people should be assigned attendants
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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