Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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