Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
