I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
