the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
