anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
