His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
