My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
