i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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