Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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