oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
