I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
