chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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