ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
