Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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