I met the friendliest cop last night
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
