Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
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Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone