she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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