did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
