my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
dude. I can hear the air.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
