Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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