We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
