yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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