How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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