i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if only i could text you this smell
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
