just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
