I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
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