And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
