I cannot find my penis.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
