My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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