"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
