I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
